7 Months!!!

WOW time flies by, today Clayton would be 7 months old. How can this be? It feels like just yesterday we found out you had passed away. Why is it when you want time to stop and go as slow as possible it just flies by. As many of you know, we have made Clayton a big brother. I keep thinking why can't time go faster so we can have this baby in our arms, however this isn't the case. All day today I kept thinking what would Clayton be doing right now. Would he be crawling all over the place? Would he have any teeth. Would he look like his daddy or more like me? These are questions that we will never know! Why this happened we will never know either. Oh how life plays mean tricks on us. Clayton please watch over your little brother or little sister and we miss you very much!

Memiores with Clayton!

I have been going thru some pictures we have taken over the last year. As I was looking at them it hit me that Clayton was in every picture that was taken. I thought it would be nice to take a trip down memory lane.

Our short life with Clayton and my little letter to him.

This picture makes me laugh. I look back on this day and think about how I was pregnant with you and didn't even know it. We found out we were pregnant with you the very next weekend.

This was your first picture. It was taken at 4th of July. It was a hot day you really didn't like it that much. As you were very still that whole day.

This was a fun weekend. We went up to Lake Arrowhead for a short getaway weekend with some good friends. You gave us a scare that weekend. I hadn't felt you move in awhile. However, later that night you made up for it. You were all over the place. It was nice to see and feel you move so much.

Oh how we love the Angels. This was uncle Jay's first Angel game. He is an A's fan, but we love him still. You liked the game, you wiggled more then normal that night. It was also baby shower weekend. Everyone was so excited for you to get here, it was just a month away. We were so close.

This is you two weeks before you made your arrival. I didn't realize how big you were getting until daddy took this picture. I thought in just a couple of weeks you would be in our arms. Oh how life makes some sharp and painful turns so quickly.

The day you came into the world. We, as your parents, were so excited to meet you. We have never been so proud in our lives.

I just wanted to share some of the great moments in your short little life. You will always and forever be in our hearts.

Love,

Mommy & Daddy!

Love!!

So I have been thinking about Love and what it really means to me. I know that I have always had love in my life thru my family and friends, but I don't think i really knew what it was like to love someone who you never saw. I am talking about the love of a child, a love like no other. It is one of those things that you can't really know until you have a child. Until you see your child for the first time. You hear everyone talk about how you have this love for a child that you didn't know you could have. I now know what every parent out there talks about. Scott and I got to feel that love in September. Even though our experience wasn't like most peoples, I think we still understand that unconditional love for a child. It is the best feeling in the world. As I look back on the day Clayton was born, I'm still putting all the emotions together. I always thought that I was just in shock that my baby passed away and that is why I didn't cry when he was born or maybe I didn't have any more tears as I pretty much cried all day. Now looking back it was because as odd as this may sound, I was happy. I was in love with my child and the little family Scott and I created. Even though Clayton did not cry or look at us for that quite moment it felt like time stood still and it was just the three of us in that room. I was happy I had my baby that I have so wanted for as long as I can remember. True, it wasn't how we picture this moment but it was still our moment that no one can take away. I will always that that moment in my mind. Whenever I am starting to feel down I try to go there as it will always make me happy.
During this process I have come to realize what kind of husband I have. I always knew that Scott was one of a kind. He has always been there for me when ever I needed anything. He pretty much gives me whatever I ask for. Yes, I had to wait 5 years to marry him, but to be honest I would have waited forever. When I came home from the hospital he was there for me in every way. He is not afraid of anything, he never left my side. He never made me feel bad for what happened to Clayton. After everyone left to go back home and continue with there lives, he continued to stay with me. He made sure I had everything I needed. I am not sure what I would have done with out him. After I went back to work after Clayton I needed up back in the hospital for a week. He stayed by my side the whole time. He is always putting my needs in front of his and for this I am so grateful. Most of you don't know this but on 2/10/09 we celebrated the day Scott asked me to be his wife. I know we are crazy cause we celebrate this date. However this year he took me to the same place where asked me to marry him and he gave me another ring. This ring, like the first, has a special meaning. After Clayton had passed away I was looking for something to wear all the time that would remind me of him. Well we both saw this ring that I feel in love with. Well little did I know that Scott had bought the ring for me and he gave it to me on that night. It is the most beautiful ring. It has three stones that are Clayton's birthstone. I just wanted to let everyone know how great of a husband I have.
I love both of my boys with all my heart.

25 Random Things!

So I was tagged on facebook to think of 25 random things about myself. So this is what I have come up with. Here goes nothing!!
1. I am a wife to the most wonderful man in the world.
2. I am a mother to a little angel named Clayton.
3. I am learning to live with the grief a mother goes thru when a child dies.
4. I have the most wonderful and loving sister. If you knew us in high school or earlier you would have never guessed we would be this close.
5. I have the most wonderful mom she has always been there for us. She drops everything to come to our need.
6. I am an aunt to the best nephew anyone could ask for.
7. I am a HUGE Angels fan.
8. I don't eat fresh tomatoes, however I LOVE ketup, red sauce.
9. I will stop everything I am doing every time I hear any free credit.com commercial.
10. I married the man of my dreams on the 5th year anniversary of the Angels winning the world series.
11. I love penguins and got to touch one thanks to my husband. He made our honeymoon that more special.
12. It irritates me to no end when I walk into a room with a cabinet left open I can not do anything until I close it.
13. I love to rearrange rooms about every six months or so.
14. I can't stand when people put there dogs in bags and dress them.
15. I complain about my drive to and from work, however that's when I do my best thinking.
16. I use to love going out all the time, however over the years I love staying home. Does this mean I am getting old??
17. I can't stand doing laundry. So my husband and I have made a deal. I do the dishes and he does the laundry.
18. My perfect fast food meal would be a cheeseburger from In N Out, fries from McDonalds, and soda from Taco Bell.
19. I will admit that about a year ago I just realized that targets symbol was indeed a target.
20. I am in search of the perfect tattoo to remember my son.
21. I would rather go hungry then make the final decision on where to eat. I hate making choices.
22. I hate when people think they know it all, when they really don't.
23. I love the way my husband looks at me when i have done something funny.
24. I have learned in the past four months I am way stronger then I ever thought I would be.
25. When I am around my sister our favorite saying is bitches. It is fun to add that to the end of a saying. Such as Goodnight Bitches!!!!!!!!!!

Life!

So as tonight comes to an end I am sitting at the computer thinking about my life so far. Over all I have had a pretty good life. I had a good childhood my parents gave my sister and I everything we could ask for. We didn't want for much. I got thru high school and made it to adulthood. I have a great sister we use to hate each other. However that all changed after I graduated high school now there really isn't a day that goes by that we don't talk on the phone. I have a few friends but I would rather have a few that i can really trust. Then a lot of friends that i couldn't trust. I am married to my best friend and the best man anyone could ask for. He gives me everything any wife could want. I have a great baby even though his is now my angel. I am trying to think of positive things in my life. Instead of the all the negative I seem to forget the good things that have happened lately. All I think about is my baby boy Clayton how if he was here what would we be doing. Would he think his mommy and daddy are funny or just look at us like we have lost out minds. He would be four months old right now. Would he be sitting up on his own or trying to roll over. Would he be like his cousin Riley at this age and just be a big lug. However Riley is now a ball full of energy. Oh how I miss Clayton! Tonight I have missed him more then anything. I just wish i could have him back I wasn't done being his mommy!!!! Neither was his daddy! Everyone is missing out on him growing up. I just want him here with me tonight. I miss you Clayton!

No Heatbeat

I saw this on my Support Group and wanted to share it.

No Heartbeat
Nothing else need be said
We cannot find the heartbeat
I am afraid your son is dead

Two words that changed our lives forever
Nothing will be the same
Two words that brought us closer together
We hope we don't go insane

Our child has died before his birth
People have nothing to say
To us it does not matter
We love him anyway

Now we go on with our lives
Strangers ask me everyday
How many children do you have
I don't quite know what to say

I tell them I have a son
Who died before he was born
He was truly an inspiration
Now we can only mourn

Don't be so sad they say
You are still so very young
It was meant to be, they say
You can always have another one

How stupid you are in your world
No understanding for my pain
My child was alive and we loved him
Nothing will ever be the same

Now we know we aren't alone
Two words have affected so many
We all love our children
Even when our arms are empty

We cannot find the heartbeat
We cannot find the rhythm
Our child has died and left us
We will hold him again in heaven

-Roger Deane, SHARE Atlanta In memory of Russell Joseph Deane Stillborn April 7, 1992

Everyday things!

So tonight as Scott and I were cooking dinner together, I had a thought pop into my head. I wonder if this is what we would be doing if Clayton was here. I thought this because we were trying a new dish so we were both busy cooking. I just wonder how would this work, then it hit me it just would have. When you become a parent you just learn what you can and can't do. I was and am so ready for the day to come when we can't cook dinner right away because the little one is crying or is playing and we don't want to miss a thing. I have come to realize that everyday things will never be the same. Everything has a new meaning as does how I see life now. When something you have wanted for so long is just taken away without notice it changes everything. I view people in a whole new light. I use to see the good in everyone I ran into, however, now not so much. I use to put everyone's needs in front of my own, I no longer do that. I have learned the hard way that life is too short; way to short. I am learning that family and myself need to come first. I might hurt people by saying no more often, but I need to do things for my self. I have also learned that when you lose a child no one seems to know how to talk to you or be around you. Yes we lost our child and we are grieving, however we are still human and can carry on conversations about everyday things. I hate the way people just look at you and give you that half smile. Just say something. Anything it is better then to just walk by and have a silly look on your face. Trust me, we like talking about our children. That is how we remember them. It might make us cry, but the most important thing is that you asked. We are still people. We just have a different outlook on life.

Dear Clayton,

Hey there my baby boy. This is the first time mommy has written you a letter. I wanted you to know how much we miss you and love you. You touched our lives in a way that is hard to express. Even though you were only with us for 40 weeks you will remain with us for a lifetime. I will never forget what you looked like the fist time I saw your cute little face. I had never been more proud of your daddy and myself for making something so beautiful. Just if you had the time to hang around for us to show you everything we wanted. We were so excited to meet you we happily waited wait seemed like the longest 40 weeks. Looking back they were the shortest weeks in my life. We had so many plans for you, your daddy had it all planned out you were going to be a major league catcher for the Angels our favorite baseball team. After your passing your Aunt Tracey said that we will forever have an angel with us.. kinda ironic you love the angels and now you have your own. That is so true but I would give anything to have you back in your mommy and daddy's arms. We had also planned out your first Halloween you were going to be our little penguin. Your grandma had even gone out the day you passed to buy your outfit for mommy as I was not able to find it she still has it. Your daddy and I were so excited the day we found out you were going to be a boy. I still remember walking out to the car after our appointment and your daddy was text messaging everyone in his phone that you were a boy. He was so proud that day when I think about that day it brings a smile to my face. Clayton I am so sorry that you will not know how great your daddy is. He is the best daddy anyone could ask for. I do not regret anything I just wish you were here with us today. I wish we got to do all the things we had planned for. I wish we had gotten to see your eyes I wish you could have seen how happy we are to be your parents the moment we brought into this world. I will always remember how much I looked forward to laying down at night so I could feel you move into place for the evening. I still remember the first day your daddy saw you move in my belly and the first time he felt you move. Clayton you have giving us joy that will never be replace into our lives. We are forever grateful that we had at least 40 weeks with you. You were the best baby any mommy and daddy could have asked for.
We love you with all our heart,
Mommy and Daddy!

What My Child Has Taught Me

I saw this and I really like it. I wanted to share with everyone.

What My Child Has Taught Me
- I've learned that you can keep going long after you think you can't.
- I've learned that learning to forgive takes a lot of practice.
- I've learned that friends can become strangers, and strangers can become friends.
- I've learned that ignorance isn't an excuse for lack of compassion.
- I've learned that some people will never, ever - "get it".
- I've learned that no matter how badly your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
- I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of minutes.
- I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon.
- I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words.It may be the last time you see them.
- I've learned that love isn't measured by the amount of time you have with someone.
- I've learned that some sorrow is so deep that it has no words. But so is love.
- I've learned that some positives can come out of a tragedy... and that friends and strangers alike can give more comfort and strength than they will ever know.
- I've learned that the words 'Thank You' sometimes are nowhere near enough to express gratitude, when someone has helped you survive a day that you didn't have the strength to get through on your own. Or when someone takes the time to acknowledge what has happened and cares enough to listen to you.
- I've learned how important and powerful hugs are.
- I've learned how much i love those around me.
- I've learned what it means to become a family, and that i have more love for my children than I ever thought possible.

We love you Clayton Andrew!!!