We are back!!!

It has been forever since I have posted anything on our blog. I am going to try and keep up with blogging a little bit better then before. I am not even going to try and play keep up from everything that has happened since I last posted anything. I am just going to start a new. Lately Scott has been working late afternoon to late at night shifts. I actually like them yes I might be at home alone at night but I think we see him more this way. Instead of being at work all day he doesn't go in until 3 or 4:30. So more time with us witch I think Peyton is loving, she is really into daddy right now. If he isn't home and we hear a car in the alley or someone by the front door all I hear is daddy daddy daddy!!! Today Scott and I talked about going to see Clayton. So this morning Peyton was playing and needed to get dressed so I said Peyton want to go and see big brother. She shook her head yes and then got up and went to her room to get her shoes and then went to the from door. It made me smile that she was that happy to go and see her brother. Once we got there she wave and said hi to him. She loves to help Scott take care of his little area. She put his flowers in his vase and helped water. I love that even though he is not here on earth with us they still have a bond. I hope the new baby and Clayton will have the same bond.

7 Months!!!

WOW time flies by, today Clayton would be 7 months old. How can this be? It feels like just yesterday we found out you had passed away. Why is it when you want time to stop and go as slow as possible it just flies by. As many of you know, we have made Clayton a big brother. I keep thinking why can't time go faster so we can have this baby in our arms, however this isn't the case. All day today I kept thinking what would Clayton be doing right now. Would he be crawling all over the place? Would he have any teeth. Would he look like his daddy or more like me? These are questions that we will never know! Why this happened we will never know either. Oh how life plays mean tricks on us. Clayton please watch over your little brother or little sister and we miss you very much!

Memiores with Clayton!

I have been going thru some pictures we have taken over the last year. As I was looking at them it hit me that Clayton was in every picture that was taken. I thought it would be nice to take a trip down memory lane.

Our short life with Clayton and my little letter to him.

This picture makes me laugh. I look back on this day and think about how I was pregnant with you and didn't even know it. We found out we were pregnant with you the very next weekend.

This was your first picture. It was taken at 4th of July. It was a hot day you really didn't like it that much. As you were very still that whole day.

This was a fun weekend. We went up to Lake Arrowhead for a short getaway weekend with some good friends. You gave us a scare that weekend. I hadn't felt you move in awhile. However, later that night you made up for it. You were all over the place. It was nice to see and feel you move so much.

Oh how we love the Angels. This was uncle Jay's first Angel game. He is an A's fan, but we love him still. You liked the game, you wiggled more then normal that night. It was also baby shower weekend. Everyone was so excited for you to get here, it was just a month away. We were so close.

This is you two weeks before you made your arrival. I didn't realize how big you were getting until daddy took this picture. I thought in just a couple of weeks you would be in our arms. Oh how life makes some sharp and painful turns so quickly.

The day you came into the world. We, as your parents, were so excited to meet you. We have never been so proud in our lives.

I just wanted to share some of the great moments in your short little life. You will always and forever be in our hearts.

Love,

Mommy & Daddy!

Love!!

So I have been thinking about Love and what it really means to me. I know that I have always had love in my life thru my family and friends, but I don't think i really knew what it was like to love someone who you never saw. I am talking about the love of a child, a love like no other. It is one of those things that you can't really know until you have a child. Until you see your child for the first time. You hear everyone talk about how you have this love for a child that you didn't know you could have. I now know what every parent out there talks about. Scott and I got to feel that love in September. Even though our experience wasn't like most peoples, I think we still understand that unconditional love for a child. It is the best feeling in the world. As I look back on the day Clayton was born, I'm still putting all the emotions together. I always thought that I was just in shock that my baby passed away and that is why I didn't cry when he was born or maybe I didn't have any more tears as I pretty much cried all day. Now looking back it was because as odd as this may sound, I was happy. I was in love with my child and the little family Scott and I created. Even though Clayton did not cry or look at us for that quite moment it felt like time stood still and it was just the three of us in that room. I was happy I had my baby that I have so wanted for as long as I can remember. True, it wasn't how we picture this moment but it was still our moment that no one can take away. I will always that that moment in my mind. Whenever I am starting to feel down I try to go there as it will always make me happy.
During this process I have come to realize what kind of husband I have. I always knew that Scott was one of a kind. He has always been there for me when ever I needed anything. He pretty much gives me whatever I ask for. Yes, I had to wait 5 years to marry him, but to be honest I would have waited forever. When I came home from the hospital he was there for me in every way. He is not afraid of anything, he never left my side. He never made me feel bad for what happened to Clayton. After everyone left to go back home and continue with there lives, he continued to stay with me. He made sure I had everything I needed. I am not sure what I would have done with out him. After I went back to work after Clayton I needed up back in the hospital for a week. He stayed by my side the whole time. He is always putting my needs in front of his and for this I am so grateful. Most of you don't know this but on 2/10/09 we celebrated the day Scott asked me to be his wife. I know we are crazy cause we celebrate this date. However this year he took me to the same place where asked me to marry him and he gave me another ring. This ring, like the first, has a special meaning. After Clayton had passed away I was looking for something to wear all the time that would remind me of him. Well we both saw this ring that I feel in love with. Well little did I know that Scott had bought the ring for me and he gave it to me on that night. It is the most beautiful ring. It has three stones that are Clayton's birthstone. I just wanted to let everyone know how great of a husband I have.
I love both of my boys with all my heart.

25 Random Things!

So I was tagged on facebook to think of 25 random things about myself. So this is what I have come up with. Here goes nothing!!
1. I am a wife to the most wonderful man in the world.
2. I am a mother to a little angel named Clayton.
3. I am learning to live with the grief a mother goes thru when a child dies.
4. I have the most wonderful and loving sister. If you knew us in high school or earlier you would have never guessed we would be this close.
5. I have the most wonderful mom she has always been there for us. She drops everything to come to our need.
6. I am an aunt to the best nephew anyone could ask for.
7. I am a HUGE Angels fan.
8. I don't eat fresh tomatoes, however I LOVE ketup, red sauce.
9. I will stop everything I am doing every time I hear any free credit.com commercial.
10. I married the man of my dreams on the 5th year anniversary of the Angels winning the world series.
11. I love penguins and got to touch one thanks to my husband. He made our honeymoon that more special.
12. It irritates me to no end when I walk into a room with a cabinet left open I can not do anything until I close it.
13. I love to rearrange rooms about every six months or so.
14. I can't stand when people put there dogs in bags and dress them.
15. I complain about my drive to and from work, however that's when I do my best thinking.
16. I use to love going out all the time, however over the years I love staying home. Does this mean I am getting old??
17. I can't stand doing laundry. So my husband and I have made a deal. I do the dishes and he does the laundry.
18. My perfect fast food meal would be a cheeseburger from In N Out, fries from McDonalds, and soda from Taco Bell.
19. I will admit that about a year ago I just realized that targets symbol was indeed a target.
20. I am in search of the perfect tattoo to remember my son.
21. I would rather go hungry then make the final decision on where to eat. I hate making choices.
22. I hate when people think they know it all, when they really don't.
23. I love the way my husband looks at me when i have done something funny.
24. I have learned in the past four months I am way stronger then I ever thought I would be.
25. When I am around my sister our favorite saying is bitches. It is fun to add that to the end of a saying. Such as Goodnight Bitches!!!!!!!!!!

Life!

So as tonight comes to an end I am sitting at the computer thinking about my life so far. Over all I have had a pretty good life. I had a good childhood my parents gave my sister and I everything we could ask for. We didn't want for much. I got thru high school and made it to adulthood. I have a great sister we use to hate each other. However that all changed after I graduated high school now there really isn't a day that goes by that we don't talk on the phone. I have a few friends but I would rather have a few that i can really trust. Then a lot of friends that i couldn't trust. I am married to my best friend and the best man anyone could ask for. He gives me everything any wife could want. I have a great baby even though his is now my angel. I am trying to think of positive things in my life. Instead of the all the negative I seem to forget the good things that have happened lately. All I think about is my baby boy Clayton how if he was here what would we be doing. Would he think his mommy and daddy are funny or just look at us like we have lost out minds. He would be four months old right now. Would he be sitting up on his own or trying to roll over. Would he be like his cousin Riley at this age and just be a big lug. However Riley is now a ball full of energy. Oh how I miss Clayton! Tonight I have missed him more then anything. I just wish i could have him back I wasn't done being his mommy!!!! Neither was his daddy! Everyone is missing out on him growing up. I just want him here with me tonight. I miss you Clayton!

No Heatbeat

I saw this on my Support Group and wanted to share it.

No Heartbeat
Nothing else need be said
We cannot find the heartbeat
I am afraid your son is dead

Two words that changed our lives forever
Nothing will be the same
Two words that brought us closer together
We hope we don't go insane

Our child has died before his birth
People have nothing to say
To us it does not matter
We love him anyway

Now we go on with our lives
Strangers ask me everyday
How many children do you have
I don't quite know what to say

I tell them I have a son
Who died before he was born
He was truly an inspiration
Now we can only mourn

Don't be so sad they say
You are still so very young
It was meant to be, they say
You can always have another one

How stupid you are in your world
No understanding for my pain
My child was alive and we loved him
Nothing will ever be the same

Now we know we aren't alone
Two words have affected so many
We all love our children
Even when our arms are empty

We cannot find the heartbeat
We cannot find the rhythm
Our child has died and left us
We will hold him again in heaven

-Roger Deane, SHARE Atlanta In memory of Russell Joseph Deane Stillborn April 7, 1992